I definitely wouldn't say I was filled, in fact no where near was I filled to where I feel like I need to be. But I guess that's in God's hands, not mine. "You can never spend his wealth" were the lyrics that struck me the hardest as I thought about the meaning of the song. I've recently been contemplating what my third and final tattoo in the 1 Corinthians 13:13 "series" I've begun with. "...but the greatest of these is love."
How can one even begin to symbolize the love that God has for us? What does love even mean? How can there be a single meaning? A single pin point? I've thought about it for over five years and struggle still to find a single symbol that I can etch onto my skin permanently to remind me every single day of his enduring love. It's a relational love and I've seen plenty of relational tattoos. Names of husbands, wives, boyfriends, children, friends, even pets. But do I really just want to stamp GOD onto my body or JESUS and be done with it when my other two use symbols that mean so much I could spend a good hour on either of them telling you the meaning of them? It doesn't seem fair that the greatest of the three only gets the name of my king, my father, my best friend. Don't get me wrong, I could go on for hours on the name, but I wanted something more than that. Something that defines his love for me. What has he done for me that has been so significant that I can't forget it. Something that keeps coming up like the butterflies symbol of hope to me every time one flutters by?
Recently I had a discussion with my roommate and one of my best friends, Tobi. We were walking, slowly, over to a physiotherapists office for my appointment and I was discussing my frustration with this third tattoo. Many of my close friends know my love for the stars. I've spent many a night lying on the ground, on the shed roof, on the cattle shelter on the farm, freezing my hands and feet off just staring up at the vast amount of stars twinkling in the night sky. The northern lights have danced in front of my eyes as I camped in the mountains. I've stared deep into space during an astronomy course and been able to photograph the very nebulae that surround us. However. How does one tattoo a star filled night onto their body? A realistic night sky? There just isn't any way. So I went to the next best thing and began looking at galaxy tattoos. I will stop here though and may continue when I have further updates on the idea.
One question Tobi and I began to discuss was why did God have to make beauty? Why did he have to make the stars so beautiful? The flowers stunning? Why'd the sun have to cast pinks, purples, oranges, and reds across the expanse of the sky? Why did he even make colours? He didn't have to.
Even now when I think about it I realize how much He loves us. How much He wants us to find him in nature. How much nature reflects only the slightest amount of His beauty.
My roommates and I are going through the book Captivating, which essentially is a book about the beauty of women and how God created them to be. I've read it numerous times and I really encourage any women out there who haven't, christian or not, to pick it up and read it. It's a simple read. It'll make you laugh. It'll make you cry. It'll make you grow. It'll also make you realize that you...as a woman...are the crown of all creation. We reflect God's beauty in so many ways.
I have to apologize for the length this post is going to become because I already feel like I'm just on the tip of the iceberg.
Beauty hasn't been what I've been feeling lately. I've been curled up in a ball crying so hard it hurts my back, more then I haven't been this week. Depression has struck once again, the monster has crawled back out of the dungeon I'd cast it to and now I'm back in a battle with what haunted me for five years in my teens. I wrote on my facebook a week ago that I was struggling. This week has only been worse then last and as things begin to sink in I realize that this is a different kind of battle.
I hated myself in high school. Physical and emotional abuse to myself was a daily routine that became a dangerous habit. Suicide was a common thought to the point that I almost acted it out. What stopped me? A divine appointment. With God. No person stepped up at that moment that I sat curled up with scalding water pouring over my too thin body and held the weapon of my soon to be demise. There is no other way to put it except for God breaking my heart. I came to realize what I was doing not only to myself but to the ones around me.
Depression affects everyone you come into contact with. I've realized this over the years. Those commercials you see on tv, the depressing ones about depression? They're right. The sooner you can get help, and by help I mean long term help, the better. That long term help for me is God.
This morning I hobbled out of my room to the kitchen and stood in front of the fridge as I didn't have an appetite for anything besides coffee. Now you must know that our fridge is littered, no...covered in certificates, magnets, notes, business cards, and little versus.
"Even youths shall faint and be weary and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:30-31
How can one not be filled with comfort reading that? Who wouldn't want to wait for the Lord?
This week has been horrible because I'm coming to the realization that I have a disease. A disorder I could deal with. Anxiety disorder. Panic disorder. Throw it at me I can take it. But a disease just seems a little worse. Just a little more terrifying. Just a little more like something I don't want associated with me. You always think it'll never be you, all those signs in the past I had I always brushed aside saying to myself that everyone got them. Everyone went through this.
Most people don't get out of bed unable to stretch their legs out, let alone fear the pain in their feet might cause them to stumble. Most don't fear they won't be able to open their mouth to eat.
I could complain and complain, but I feel like I've done enough this week and that I need to find another way to cope with this. Music has become an escape for me, taking my mind off the pain and giving me hope. But mostly, the lyrics "you can never spend his wealth" have kept me moving the past two days, the worst two days I've had in terms of pain. God is my cane. He is the one I lean on every single moment when I'm awake.
If you don't have that then what do you do? How lonely I would be without Him. How absolutely miserable would I be? How miserable are you? Have you looked to other sources for help? Because I can promise you that you will continue to search. You will search until it either runs you into the ground or you end up his feet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX0b6hxjyRs
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