Beauty

As I stood watching the snow being whipped about by the winter wind I pretended that the world had been shaken once again like a snow globe and a giant was staring down at the tiny specs on the streets of the cold coastal city of St. John's. It was beautiful to watch the large flakes fall and then dip back upwards into the sky as though falling against gravity before jerking sideways. One could attempt to make shapes out of the swirls of snow as they do with puffy clouds in the sky, but it would require a quick eye and imagination as the shapes moved and changed much more quickly than large lazy clouds.

But there's been something on my mind with Spring just around the corner. The emergence of grass and moss will soon poke out from beneath the blankets of snow, the trees will begin to bud and flowers will slowly begin to stretch out towards the sky in hopes of catching what minimal sun there is on this island. The wind will lose its frosty grasp and the sun will warm the hearts of the specs traveling on the streets within the snow globe. Bugs will begin to crawl out from hiding, some hatching from eggs, or whatever they do, and begin to fly about, annoying all who end up in their path. 

There is one insect however that does not annoy those in its path. Its path seems undetermined, constantly changing like the swirling snow in the wind. Its large wings push against the air, forcing themselves up against gravity with what seems like grace until they jerk to the side and upwards yet. It isn't until they land on a leaf that their true brilliance is displayed. They open those massive wings slowly, letting the sun land on the beautiful designs that only the Lord is capable of creating. True symmetry, the two eyes of a Peacock butterfly staring back at you, or the shimmering blue that seems to reflect the blue of the sky of a Cramer's Blue Morpho. 

I had the opportunity this past summer to see the true beauty of the Monarch butterfly. My grandmother took me out to her lilac bushes to see the butterflies fluttering about and landing on the beautiful purple and white lilacs. I haven't been able to stop thinking about the beauty that God has created through these creatures. But not only are they beautiful, they are a complete mystery.

The beginning of their lives must be horrible. Being a worm like larva with a bunch of little legs that hardly help you move very far, they have to strive and eat away the leaves of trees. All they seem to do is eat...or move across the sidewalk in hopes they don't get crushed by giants. Once they're finished with eating they form a chrysalis...which I can't see as being an easy task. I wonder how many fall off the tree or structure they've stuck to in the process of this. But here's where the magic happens. Once that chrysalis is all closed up and they're safe inside, something drastic happens. Something occurs inside to change that ugly little caterpillar into what I find the most beautiful creature in the world. A few weeks or months later and a butterfly emerges displaying beautiful colours and intricate designs.

Do you know how much hope that caterpillar has encasing itself in a chrysalis. It has to be hoping it won't be eaten, knocked off, that it'll actually transform, that it won't wake up or stop changing mid way through the process...there's so many factors that caterpillar has to consider as its changing into a butterfly. Now I don't actually know if they think about these things...but we can. 

My life, I find, can be compared to that of the butterflies. I recently got a tattoo to commemorate this realization. As a sinner, a young kid growing up and going through trials I was the ugly caterpillar, groping for whatever I could get my hands on to devour and feed my thirst and hunger. These things weren't always the best and I can't say I don't regret some of them. I still struggle with a lot of habits and have to push through each day knowing that the Grace of God is what is saving me.

But then it changed. The moment I had lost all hope. The moment I was sitting in the bathroom about to end my life. The moment I was completely, utterly alone with no one there and no one to help me or stop me. It changed. God stretched out his hand and touched my heart. He took my chin in his hand and forced me to look up, away from the destruction I was about to bring about myself. He stared down into my heart, the Grace of God grasping my heart and his everlasting love surrounding my heart like a chrysalis. It blanketed my soul and took away the hatred I felt for myself. He didn't care about the things I'd indulged in. He didn't care about all my failures, the mistakes I'd made, the things I'd said. All he cared about was that I realize that I was loved. Loved by something so much bigger and more powerful than anything I'd ever felt or seen before. His love was big enough to take away that depression and make me a new person. His hand would be in mine every single step of the way and he promised I'd be a new person.

And here I am today. I'm still in that chrysalis. I still have to fight that hate every day. I still have to push myself out of bed and realize the only reason I'm alive is because of Him. I still have to go back to him crying and in pieces and have him put me back together. I still make stupid mistakes and indulge in things I shouldn't. I still fight with depression every single day. 

But he's changing me.

And I will emerge one day with these days as a beautiful butterfly to flutter home to my Lord.